George Bush Writes A Book!

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Former President George W. Bush has a memoir coming out soon. Between this and Justin Bieber’s book, this could be the biggest year ever for literature. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Former President Bush was on “Oprah.” It was Oprah’s annual “Least Favorite Things” episode. (Kimmel)

Former President George W. Bush was on “Oprah.” When asked about being the leader of the free world, Oprah said, “It’s not bad.” (Conan)

 

Former President George W. Bush is releasing a book called “Decision Points.” I’ve already made a decision not to buy it. (David Letterman)

Former President George W. Bush released a book. Unfortunately, because of his economic policies, no one can afford to buy it. (Letterman)

Former President George W. Bush reveals in his book that he considered dropping Dick Cheney to prove he was in charge. But then Cheney nixed the idea. (Fallon)

Related Articles

• Bush Reveals His Most Embarrassing Moment From Drinking Days (huffingtonpost.com)

Jonas Brothers and Justin Bieber Verses Late Night Craig Ferguson

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The Disney Channel canceled the Jonas Brothers’ TV show. Even worse, they had Goofy deliver the news. (Craig Ferguson)

Happy birthday to Woody Allen, who’s 75 today. It’s not easy to find a card that says, “Happy birthday, dad/husband.”

I was nominated for a Grammy in the Spoken Word category for an audio book of my autobiography. It’s the same category that Al Gore won a few years ago. Unfortunately, his spoken words were “I invented the Internet.”

My Grammy nomination brings me one step closer to my lifetime goal of losing every major award in Hollywood.

At the Grammy nominations, there was a live satellite hook-up with Justin Bieber. Little girls were screaming so much that they shattered something very valuable — Cher’s face.

Related Articles

• ‘Jonas L.A.’ canceled: What should the Jonas Brothers do next? (popwatch.ew.com)
• Inside the Grammy nominations (pbpulse.com)

Chilean Miners Freed After 69 Days – Late Night gags

Please Release Me..

Letterman

To give you an idea of how long those coal miners have been trapped underground in Chile, they still think Conan O’Brien is the host of “The Tonight Show.”

Fallon

There’s talk of turning the whole Chilean miners story into a movie. When he heard about it, Roman Polanski was like, “You had me at minors.”

One of the 33 Chilean miners revealed that they all joked about cannibalism while they were trapped. He was like, “If you don’t believe me, ask the 34th guy — I mean . . . never mind.

Kimmel

The trapped miners in Chile are finally being rescued. One miner has a wife and mistress that found each other at the site. He’s asked to be rescued last.

The miners were finally able to update their Facebook status to “not trapped in a mine.”

Radiogagger (UK)

So The miners have finally been released from 500foot underground. That’s even lower than Liverpool in the Premier League at the moment…

If they had been trapped any longer, Tesco were planning on building an Express branch down there…

Ferguson

The Chilean miners were 2,000 feet below the earth. They were so far down, they saw the devil preparing for Justin Bieber.

Chile is long and thin and South American. It’s the supermodel of countries.

Leno

The rescued Chilean miners were sent to the hospital for observation, except for the one with the wife and the mistress. He went straight to the witness protection program.

Related Articles

• First miner is pulled to freedom after spending 69 days trapped in Chilean cave-in (nj.com)
• Daily gags feed from radiogagger (twitter.com/radiogagger)

This Weeks Best of The Late Night Monologues

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Leno

• We’re now in the longest, deepest recession since the Great Depression. When this recession started, Lindsay Lohan was known for her acting.
• President Obama says the Democrats are waking up. Which is great when you’re having a nightmare.

• The economy is so bad, Justin Bieber had to take a factory job in China.
• Christine O’Donnell has a new campaign ad where she says she’s not a witch. Nancy Pelosi was furious. She said, “Hey, that’s my slogan.”

Letterman

• In his latest audio tape, bin Laden is talking about global warming. If he thinks it’s hot now, wait until he gets to hell.

• Osama bin Laden keeps releasing audio tapes to show that he’s still relevant. Really? Audio tapes? How about an iPod download?
• They say bin Laden keeps making these tapes to prove he’s still alive. It’s the same reason I do this show.

Radiogagger (UK)

• If the world was fairer, it would be Kay Burley told to leave the UK and not Gamu from X Factor
• Liverpool’s new owner will either be The Red Sox or Royal Bank of Scotland, either way on current they’ll win more games in the SPL or MLS
• America have announced Rihanna as a new team member for the next Ryder Cup in Wales – and she’s bringing her umbrella-ella-ella

Ferguson

• Research shows that the No. 1 place you can pick up infections from is a doorknob. That’s why I always lick doorknobs clean before using them.
• One of the reasons it’s so hard to get rid of the rhinovirus is that it’s constantly evolving. Picture a germy Lady Gaga.

Fallon

• The White House has issued an alert for American tourists traveling in Europe over fears of a terror attack. But the joke’s on you, terrorists. We can’t afford to go to Europe.
• CBS reporter Howard Arenstein was arrested on Saturday for growing marijuana in his backyard. Which probably explains why all his news stories started with, “Dude, you’re not going to believe this!”

• Christine O’Donnell released a commercial in which she says, “I’m not a witch.” That’s pretty good, though not as effective as her opponent’s slogan, “I’m not Christine O’Donnell.”

Maher

Today we found that a third college Christine O’Donnel said she attended had no record of ever knowing her. I’m starting to wonder if she ever went to Hogwarts.

Related Articles

• Why Bin Laden Isn’t on Twitter (newsweek.com)
• Vote for radiogagger at the Golden Twit awards for humour  – http://www.goldentwits.com/user/radiogagger

The Pope, 16 year old Justin Bieber, Facebook And Other Late Night Gags

Image by The Daring Librarian via Flickr

When the Pope met the Queen of England, they both said the same thing to each other: “Nice hat.” (Leno)

Justin Bieber was spotted at a Hooters restaurant in Canada. I don’t think 16-year-olds should be hanging out at Hooters. They should be dabbling in witchcraft, like Christine O’Donnell.  (Jimmy Kimmell)

There are rumors going around that Facebook is building a cell phone. It’s pretty good, except you can only use it to call people you barely remember from high school. (Jimmy Fallon)

Related Articles

• Justin Bieber at Hooters (thesuperficial.com)
• Justin Bieber on CSI: Watch Now! (thehollywoodgossip.com)

Junior Apprentice

I think this series was commissioned so, as ‘Lord Sugar’ pointed out in the opening seconds, he could actually find some contestants he’s taller than. So, the next series will probably feature Warwick Davis aka r2d2 from Star Wars…
Ronnie Corbett
Little Dennis Waterman in his first role since Little Britain
Holly Steel from BGT – she’s allowed to redo any tasks she doesn’t win just by starting to cry…

THE IMPOSSIBLE TASK
Will the winner of Junior Apprentice be the given the task of helping Karen Brady sort out the farce at West Ham United?
Or are a few of the lads hoping for a role on the Daily Sport?

Next weeks Junior Apprentices will see new candidates Kevin and Perry. Good luck to Lord ‘SurAlan’ Sugar with that one when he tries to fire one of them..
I just wondered where Justin Bieber was?

And if we’re comparing the Junior Apprentices with the new youth mob on Eastenders who came from E20 mini series online, they win hands down, whether they can sell cheese or not.

Next Up In the Boardroom?
It’s an interesting brand extension for the Apprentice. So what next?
Tramp Apprentice?
Pensioner Apprentice (Bruce Forsyth, Ronnie Corbett again, Dot Cotton, Arlene Phillips)
Desperate Housewives Apprentice? (Colleen McLoughin, Imogen Thomas, Alex Curran, Kerry Katona)
WAG Apprentice? (as above, minus Kerry Katona)