George Bush Writes A Book!

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld shares a ...

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Former President George W. Bush has a memoir coming out soon. Between this and Justin Bieber’s book, this could be the biggest year ever for literature. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Former President Bush was on “Oprah.” It was Oprah’s annual “Least Favorite Things” episode. (Kimmel)

Former President George W. Bush was on “Oprah.” When asked about being the leader of the free world, Oprah said, “It’s not bad.” (Conan)

 

Former President George W. Bush is releasing a book called “Decision Points.” I’ve already made a decision not to buy it. (David Letterman)

Former President George W. Bush released a book. Unfortunately, because of his economic policies, no one can afford to buy it. (Letterman)

Former President George W. Bush reveals in his book that he considered dropping Dick Cheney to prove he was in charge. But then Cheney nixed the idea. (Fallon)

North Korea v South Korea v Late Night

PYONGYANG. Vladimir Putin with North Korean le...

"Congrats on getting the World Cup"

Sen. John McCain said it’s time for a regime change in North Korea. To which the Carrows waitress said, “Sir, if you don’t order now, you’re going to miss the early bird special.” (leno)

North Korea attacked South Korea by brazenly firing mortars into their country. Apparently what happened was, Kim Jong Il got angry over the fact that Bristol Palin made it to the finals of “Dancing With the Stars.” (leno)

Experts say that North Korea’s Kim Jon Il may not be responsible for bombing South Korea, and it may have been his son. Kids grow up so fast. (Ferguson)

It’s a harsh indictment of our media as we lurch toward possible nuclear war on the Korean peninsula, we’re all talking about “Dancing With the Stars.” Isn’t it time journalists start asking the hard questions like, “What does Kim Jong Il think of ‘Dancing With the Stars’?” (Ferguson)

 

 

Wikileaks: The Late Night Cables..

Logo used by Wikileaks

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WikiLeaks has released thousands of classified documents that could be detrimental to the United States. Usually, when something this embarrassing about the United States is revealed, it’s because Joe Biden said it. (Leno)

WikiLeaks is a website that gets a hold of classified information and releases it to the public. They get all kinds of top secret stuff: White House memos, government e-mails, the truth about Lady Gaga . . . (Ferguson)

The name “WikiLeaks” doesn’t sound like espionage. It sounds like Barbara Walters interviewing Ricky Martin. (Ferguson)

It’s my 30th wedding anniversary. I had a big surprise set up for my wife, but she found out about it on WikiLeaks. (Leno)

Rep. Peter King says WikiLeaks presents a clear and present danger to our national security and should be branded a terrorist organization. Former Vice President Dick Cheney says we should waterboard the Internet. (Kimmel)

 

Letterman v Lincoln – Venue: Late Night

Vice President Joe Biden L'68

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  • On this day in 1863, President Abraham Lincoln delivered the Gettysburg Address. Following the address, the rebuttal was given by John McCain.
  • Lincoln’s speech that day was so successful that TBS offered him the 10:00 p.m. slot.
  • Vice President Joe Biden turned 68 years old. President Obama was so excited. He asked Biden to attend the party for him.

 

The Midterm Elections verses The Late Night Gags

Official Monster Raving Loony Party

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Fallon

  • The final poll before Election Day shows that 55 percent of Americans plan to vote for Republicans, while 40 percent plan to vote for Democrats. I guess Obama is finally going to get that change he was talking about.
  • President Obama sent out an e-mail encouraging his supporters to take at least three friends with them to vote. That’s not how people vote — that’s how women go to the bathroom.

Ferguson

  • I don’t know what Christine O’Donnell stands for, but I’m a late night talk-show host. I need her.
  • The tea party needs to pick a tougher name. “Tea party” sounds like something I do with my ferrets every Sunday.
  • Christine O’Donnell lost her election by 20 percent. In a brief concession speech, she said “I’m melting.”

Radiogagger (UK)

  • We don’t have a tea party here in the UK.  With Christine O’Donnell the witch and Sarah Palin amongst their members, the closest tie-up would be with the Monster raving Loony Party.
  • The Tea Party is a new political movement in  the States. Before, they only had the Biscuit and Burger All Day Breakfast Movement.

Leno

  • All year long, the Democrats were telling people to “get out and vote.” Then people told the Democrats, “We voted, now get out!”
  • Tuesday was bad for President Obama. Voters threw away the hope and just went for the change.
  • Obama lost 66 Democrats — and not one of them was Joe Biden.

Letterman

  • In Washington, D.C., volunteers were washing the mud off Democrats and releasing them back into the wild.
  • You can tell it’s winter. The Democrats have gone into hibernation.
  • Voters didn’t like how President Obama was handling the economy. Wait a minute — he was handling the economy?
  • Christine O’Donnell, after losing her election in Delaware, said “Our voices were heard.” In your head, lady.

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Danny Baker – Get Well Soon

Dannybaker

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On Monday I posted a selection of Peter Kay adverts, one of them featuring Danny Baker. Later on that afternoon it was announced on his blog that Danny has cancer. I had no advance knowledge of this. (I normally do adverts on the 1st of the month – you can check that on the stats).

Danny is a hero of mine. I once knocked on his door as a market researcher, he politely said no, and I rang his radio 1 show that weekend and jovially asked the producer if he wanted to do the survey on air. They never called me back. I did speak to the great man again on Virgin radio, when I told him the Dali Llama was staying in my street, and had bumped my neighbours car (true story).

Danny is a radio legend. Before the illness, you could catch him 5 days a week for just two hours a day on BBC London 94.9 FM and saturday mornings on 5live also two hours 9am-11am.  (IS TWO THE MAGIC NUMBER FOR DANNY?)

Below is a clip from his BBC1 saturday night chat show in the 90s. I think it was modelled on the American chat shows of the time (letterman Leno Carson) but the style never caught on for a daily show here, although years later Graham Norton tried it on Channel 4 before moving to the Beeb.

After his own chat show, Danny met Chris Evans at GLR (the forerunner of the current BBC London) and later became a writer for TFI Friday which catapulted Evans to fame.

Danny  is starting chemo soon, lets hope he beats it, and gets back to doing what he does best, entertaining his fans. DANNY is quite simply, irreplaceable.

AHOY HOY CANDYMANN!!

More of grweat Danny clips coming up over the next few weeks…

Top Ten Surprises At Chelsea Clintons Wedding

Chelsea Clinton speaking during a campaign sto...

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Top Ten Surprises At Chelsea Clinton’s Wedding

10. Rehearsal dinner held at the Rhinebeck Denny’s
9. Al Gore kept asking bridesmaids for massage
8. Cash gifts went to pay Hillary’s campaign debt
7. Due to double booking, reception shared space with Benjy Rosenthal Bar Mitzvah
6. Snooki punched the DJ
5. Minister and rabbi told hilarious story about the time they walked into a bar
4. Roger Clinton was working as the bartender
3. Ceremony was so expensive, President Obama offered a government bailout — We’ll be right back with jaywalking, folks!
2. Madeleine Albright can open a Heineken bottle with her thighs
1. Bill Clinton is still at the bachelor party

I’ll have A Big Mac – Late Night gags

McDonald's Hamburger 2007

"You left it there how long?"

Leno

A New York City artist kept a McDonald’s happy meal on her kitchen table, untouched, for six months. It did not decompose at all. It looks the exactly the same. In fact, the toy actually decomposed quicker than the hamburger.

Letterman

Red onions are supposed to be good for lowering cholesterol. They say that if you eat one red onion a day, you’ll live alone, but you’ll live longer.

Fallon

Starting in January, couples can actually get married at McDonald’s in Hong Kong. I’m not saying those marriages won’t work, but when have you been to a McDonald’s and not regretted it one hour later?

Radiogagger (UK)

A New York City artist kept a McDonald’s happy meal on her kitchen table, untouched, for six months. Is it too much to ask for Obama to sort out healthcare in six months?

Starting in January, couples can actually get married at McDonald’s in Hong Kong. I’m 50/50 on this idea. On the plus side “hey honey finally found a reception venue in our budget – and guess what – the napkins are free”! On the downside, when are they gonna bring back the rootbeer?

 

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Late Night Gags: The Nobel Peace Price & Lady Gaga

Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the United States Hou...

Nancy v Gaga

Letterman

  • A lot of people say the Nobel Prize is a good predictor for the Academy Awards.

Fallon

  • Lady Gaga was ahead of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi on Forbes’ list of the most powerful women in the world. I’m not saying Pelosi’s jealous, but today she showed up to work wearing a meat pantsuit.

Ferguson

  • They gave out the Nobel Prize for Literature, which is very exciting. It guarantees monster sales. Sorry, I’m thinking about Oprah, the Nobel Prize doesn’t mean anything.
  • Alfred Nobel was a Swedish chemist who invented dynamite. strange to have a peace prize named after the guy that invented dynamite.
  • Gandhi never won the peace prize. Gandhi was furious over that. Whenever anyone brought it up, he beat them up.

“Happy Birthday Mr President”

Official presidential portrait of Barack Obama...

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Letterman’s “Top Ten Ways Barack Obama Celebrated His Birthday”

10. Sent troops to invade a Cold Stone Creamery
9. Read details of his surprise party on WikiLeaks
8. Got a new fake birth certificate he wanted
7. Read ‘Eat Pray Love’ and bawled his eyes out
6. Asked birthday party magician if he could make Sarah Palin disappear
5. Fist-bumped with Snooki and The Situation
4. Went to Pizzeria Uno for their ‘Shrimp & Crab Fun-Doo’ with the guys from NORAD
3. Flew Air Force One to Party Depot to buy helium balloons
2. Sat alone watching ‘Real Housewives‘ marathon on Bravo
1. Stuffed Tony Hayward full of nickels and beat him like a pinata