WHo Should Be X Factor Guest Judges Next Year?

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Wikileaks: The Late Night Cables..

Logo used by Wikileaks

Image via Wikipedia

WikiLeaks has released thousands of classified documents that could be detrimental to the United States. Usually, when something this embarrassing about the United States is revealed, it’s because Joe Biden said it. (Leno)

WikiLeaks is a website that gets a hold of classified information and releases it to the public. They get all kinds of top secret stuff: White House memos, government e-mails, the truth about Lady Gaga . . . (Ferguson)

The name “WikiLeaks” doesn’t sound like espionage. It sounds like Barbara Walters interviewing Ricky Martin. (Ferguson)

It’s my 30th wedding anniversary. I had a big surprise set up for my wife, but she found out about it on WikiLeaks. (Leno)

Rep. Peter King says WikiLeaks presents a clear and present danger to our national security and should be branded a terrorist organization. Former Vice President Dick Cheney says we should waterboard the Internet. (Kimmel)

 

The Lady Gaga Meat Dress verses Late Night

Radiogagger (UK)

Just heard that Lady Gaga wore her meat dress at the wrong time. She was actually meant to wear it at the ‘meat and greet’ aftershow

Lady Gaga wore a bacon dress to the VMA Awards last night. I didn’t even know that Richard Bacon was a fashion designer.

People were saying that wearing a meat dress is a bit off. It will be if not refridgerated properly.

Jimmy Kimmel

Lady Gaga won eight awards on the VMAs and accepted them in a dress made of meat. She’s also getting ready to launch her new fragrance. It’s called “A-1 Steaksauce.”

 

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Pizza For Breakfast – Can Only be The Late Night gags…

La cantante Céline Dion presentandose en conci...

The Cape of Hope. No The Cape of Dion.

Letterman

Domino’s Pizza is testing a breakfast pizza. Big deal, single guys have been eating pizza for breakfast for years.

The Senate has ordered that television commercials must not be too loud. Now, how about getting us out of Afghanistan?

The Nobel Prize in the fiction category went to Christine O’Donnell’s resume.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you’re trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you’re one president too late.

Fallon

A record number of couples are getting married on Sunday, because the date will be October 10, 2010, or 10/10/10. And if the date 10/10/10 is the reason you got married, good luck with your upcoming divorce on 11/11/11.

Rihanna revealed this week that she texts Lady Gaga before major events to make sure they don’t wear the same outfit. Can you imagine that conversation? It’s like, “Hey Gaga. Are you wearing the blue satin dress tonight or are you gonna wear the cold-cut platter from Blimpie?”

The Swedish prime minister was re-elected. He was happy to keep his seat, mostly because it took 85 hours to assemble from Ikea.

Kimmel

It’s Canadian Thanksgiving Day. On this day, Canadians gather with their families to give thanks that Celine Dion moved to Las Vegas.

This Weeks Best of The Late Night Monologues

Lady Gaga show

Image by A Hermida via Flickr

Leno

  • We’re now in the longest, deepest recession since the Great Depression. When this recession started, Lindsay Lohan was known for her acting.
  • President Obama says the Democrats are waking up. Which is great when you’re having a nightmare.
  • The economy is so bad, Justin Bieber had to take a factory job in China.
  • Christine O’Donnell has a new campaign ad where she says she’s not a witch. Nancy Pelosi was furious. She said, “Hey, that’s my slogan.”

Letterman

  • In his latest audio tape, bin Laden is talking about global warming. If he thinks it’s hot now, wait until he gets to hell.
  • Osama bin Laden keeps releasing audio tapes to show that he’s still relevant. Really? Audio tapes? How about an iPod download?
  • They say bin Laden keeps making these tapes to prove he’s still alive. It’s the same reason I do this show.

Radiogagger (UK)

  • If the world was fairer, it would be Kay Burley told to leave the UK and not Gamu from X Factor
  • Liverpool’s new owner will either be The Red Sox or Royal Bank of Scotland, either way on current they’ll win more games in the SPL or MLS
  • America have announced Rihanna as a new team member for the next Ryder Cup in Wales – and she’s bringing her umbrella-ella-ella

Ferguson

  • Research shows that the No. 1 place you can pick up infections from is a doorknob. That’s why I always lick doorknobs clean before using them.
  • One of the reasons it’s so hard to get rid of the rhinovirus is that it’s constantly evolving. Picture a germy Lady Gaga.

Fallon

  • The White House has issued an alert for American tourists traveling in Europe over fears of a terror attack. But the joke’s on you, terrorists. We can’t afford to go to Europe.
  • CBS reporter Howard Arenstein was arrested on Saturday for growing marijuana in his backyard. Which probably explains why all his news stories started with, “Dude, you’re not going to believe this!”
  • Christine O’Donnell released a commercial in which she says, “I’m not a witch.” That’s pretty good, though not as effective as her opponent’s slogan, “I’m not Christine O’Donnell.”

Maher

Today we found that a third college Christine O’Donnel said she attended had no record of ever knowing her. I’m starting to wonder if she ever went to Hogwarts.

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Late Night Laughs – BP Oil and the Oil Spill

Leno
That idea about using a concrete dome to cover up the oil leak in the Gulf did not work. Experts are calling this the worst use of a concrete dome since they built that stadium for the Detroit Lions.

President Obama said he’s angry and frustrated with the oil spill in the Gulf and the oil companies behind it. He said he’s tired of all the finger-pointing — then he blamed the Bush administration for everything.

Congress told BP that they can’t “label this catastrophic failure an unpredictable and unforeseeable occurrence.” Congress used that excuse already for not catching the financial meltdown in time.

Fallon
BP is now using a special containment dome called a “top hat” that shoots methanol into the oil leak. A top hat that shoots methanol? That doesn’t sound like an emergency device — that sounds like something Lady Gaga would wear to the VMAs.

The White House says that BP is moving up its timeline for containing the oil by two weeks. They said they’d get it done even if they have to work six hours a day, four days a week.

President Obama had a 30-minute phone call with British Prime Minister David Cameron about the BP oil spill. The conversation is supposed to stay private, but given that it’s BP, you can probably expect a few leaks.

Here’s a little bit of good news. The Coast Guard says that BP is now catching up to 630,000 gallons of oil a day. The bad news is that they’re capturing it with ducks.

Letterman
You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I’m telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.

President Obama is on his fourth visit to the Gulf since the spill began. The head of BP is saying, “See, it had no effect on tourism.”

Late Night Laughs, The Weeks Second Helping

JAY LENO
Osama bin Laden has released a new audio tape in which he threatens to kill Americans, as opposed to his earlier new age, motivational tapes.

President Obama has restricted the use of nuclear weapons to only be used against Iran, North Korea, or Fox News.

Buzz Aldrin was kicked off of “Dancing With the Stars.” For some reason, on the moon, he seemed so much lighter on his feet.

Late Show With David Letterman
Tonight is Passover, not to be confused with what happened to me and Conan, that was “passed over.”
In honor of Passover, that last joke was unleavened.

A lot of people are unhappy about healthcare reform. Personally, I loved paying huge premiums and driving to Canada to buy cheap drugs.

The 2010 Census is coming up. There are some changes this year. Under gender, you can choose between male, female, or Gaga.

Apparently the Republicans spent more than $2,000 at a sex club. Now there’s your stimulus package.

For months, everyone was waiting for the iPad. It took longer to come out than Ricky Martin

JIMMY FALLON
After the healthcare bill passed, more than 10 Democrats received threatening calls and faxes. And really, what’s scarier than a threatening fax? “I’m . . . going . . . to . . . kill . . . you.” Now I’m out of toner.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It’s so important to vote for “American Idol.” Otherwise, you forfeit your right to complain about the direction Karaoke is heading in this country.
Thursday is the deadline for the census. A census taker will come to your house if you don’t reply by mail. So unless you want to have a conversation with another human being, you better get that in.