George Bush Writes A Book!

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld shares a ...

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Former President George W. Bush has a memoir coming out soon. Between this and Justin Bieber’s book, this could be the biggest year ever for literature. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Former President Bush was on “Oprah.” It was Oprah’s annual “Least Favorite Things” episode. (Kimmel)

Former President George W. Bush was on “Oprah.” When asked about being the leader of the free world, Oprah said, “It’s not bad.” (Conan)

 

Former President George W. Bush is releasing a book called “Decision Points.” I’ve already made a decision not to buy it. (David Letterman)

Former President George W. Bush released a book. Unfortunately, because of his economic policies, no one can afford to buy it. (Letterman)

Former President George W. Bush reveals in his book that he considered dropping Dick Cheney to prove he was in charge. But then Cheney nixed the idea. (Fallon)

Wikileaks: The Late Night Cables..

Logo used by Wikileaks

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WikiLeaks has released thousands of classified documents that could be detrimental to the United States. Usually, when something this embarrassing about the United States is revealed, it’s because Joe Biden said it. (Leno)

WikiLeaks is a website that gets a hold of classified information and releases it to the public. They get all kinds of top secret stuff: White House memos, government e-mails, the truth about Lady Gaga . . . (Ferguson)

The name “WikiLeaks” doesn’t sound like espionage. It sounds like Barbara Walters interviewing Ricky Martin. (Ferguson)

It’s my 30th wedding anniversary. I had a big surprise set up for my wife, but she found out about it on WikiLeaks. (Leno)

Rep. Peter King says WikiLeaks presents a clear and present danger to our national security and should be branded a terrorist organization. Former Vice President Dick Cheney says we should waterboard the Internet. (Kimmel)

 

The Midterm Elections verses The Late Night Gags

Official Monster Raving Loony Party

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Fallon

  • The final poll before Election Day shows that 55 percent of Americans plan to vote for Republicans, while 40 percent plan to vote for Democrats. I guess Obama is finally going to get that change he was talking about.
  • President Obama sent out an e-mail encouraging his supporters to take at least three friends with them to vote. That’s not how people vote — that’s how women go to the bathroom.

Ferguson

  • I don’t know what Christine O’Donnell stands for, but I’m a late night talk-show host. I need her.
  • The tea party needs to pick a tougher name. “Tea party” sounds like something I do with my ferrets every Sunday.
  • Christine O’Donnell lost her election by 20 percent. In a brief concession speech, she said “I’m melting.”

Radiogagger (UK)

  • We don’t have a tea party here in the UK.  With Christine O’Donnell the witch and Sarah Palin amongst their members, the closest tie-up would be with the Monster raving Loony Party.
  • The Tea Party is a new political movement in  the States. Before, they only had the Biscuit and Burger All Day Breakfast Movement.

Leno

  • All year long, the Democrats were telling people to “get out and vote.” Then people told the Democrats, “We voted, now get out!”
  • Tuesday was bad for President Obama. Voters threw away the hope and just went for the change.
  • Obama lost 66 Democrats — and not one of them was Joe Biden.

Letterman

  • In Washington, D.C., volunteers were washing the mud off Democrats and releasing them back into the wild.
  • You can tell it’s winter. The Democrats have gone into hibernation.
  • Voters didn’t like how President Obama was handling the economy. Wait a minute — he was handling the economy?
  • Christine O’Donnell, after losing her election in Delaware, said “Our voices were heard.” In your head, lady.

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Quickfire Late Night Laughs – May 25th 2010

Jimmy Kimmel
For the first time ever, scientists have created artificial life. The hope is that it can revolutionize healthcare, generate clean energy, become super-intelligent, take over the world, make us all its slaves, etc.

Craig Ferguson
The new “Shrek” movie opens today. DreamWorks is saying that this will be the last “Shrek” movie — unless it makes money.

I think Mike Myers does a great Scottish accent, though he’s not from Scotland. He’s actually from a magical place called “Canada.”

Jimmy Fallon
Octomom Nadya Suleman has a PETA sign in her front yard that encourages people to have their pets spayed or neutered. Isn’t that kind of like BP putting out a sign that says “Don’t pee in the pool?”

David Letterman
It’s the fifth anniversary of YouTube. It completely revolutionized procrastination.

Jay Leno
BP is saying that the oil leak is bigger than they estimated. In a related story, the executives at BP are far bigger idiots than we estimated

Late Night Laughs – Earth Day

Jay Leno
Happy Earth Day, or as they say in Iceland, “What on Earth Day.”

To demonstrate their commitment, environmentalists all over the country today risked their lives driving Priuses.

A lot of people recycled plastic today, except in Beverly Hills, where recycling plastic means remarrying your ex-wife.

David Letterman
Sarah Palin celebrated Earth Day today by shooting wolves from a helicopter.

Craig Ferguson
Happy birthday to Jack Nicholson today, and also it’s Earth Day. Planet Earth and Jack Nicholson are different, of course — one is a giant object ravaged by years of abuse and we’re running out of time to save it, and the other one is Earth.

The movie “Avatar” is out on DVD today. James Cameron wanted it to be released on Earth Day because nothing says “save the planet” like millions of plastic DVD cases.

It’s the 40th Earth Day, which is bad news for Earth. Once you get in your 40s, your equator expands, your poles start to melt — soon you’ll look as bad as Uranus.

Jimmy Kimmel
Happy Earth Day to everyone. An estimated one billion people celebrate Earth Day. Al Gore, in particular, is wasted right now.

Late Night Laughs – Volcanic Ash Special

Craig Ferguson
The airports in Europe are closed due to the volcano erupting. Smoke and ash is spreading all over Europe. Meteorologists originally thought it was coming from Willie Nelson’s tour bus.

You can’t fly an airplane through an ash plume because the engines will be shut down faster than Mel Gibson at a bar mitzvah.

David Letterman
I’m aware that the only reason you people are here tonight is volcanic ash. I know that.

The big volcanic cloud from Iceland is making its way over to New York City. They say that the city’s air quality is actually improving.

Because of the volcano in Iceland, thousands of travelers are stranded with no place to sleep, eat, or shower. This is the kind of thing that can really take the fun out of air travel.

The name of the volcano is Eyjafjallajökull. It’s the scariest thing out of Iceland since Björk in that swan outfit.

The volcano cloud is gritty ash and it’s making its way toward Russia. In fact, Sarah Palin can see it from her house.

The bad news today: regular airline service is resuming.

Is anyone here stranded because of the volcano? Well, that’s what you get for traveling during volcano season.

Because of the volcano, the airlines lost $2 billion. Usually, all they lose is my luggage.

Jimmy Kimmel
A volcano in Iceland has shut down air travel all across Europe. Apparently they dumped too much baking soda and vinegar into the thing and it just won’t stop erupting.

President Obama had to cancel his trip to Poland, and this morning he said he hopes the volcano will stop smoking soon. And the volcano said the same thing about him.

Jay Leno
The giant cloud of ash over Amsterdam is so bad that you can’t even see the giant cloud of hashish.

For those of you visiting from Iceland, happy Ash Wednesday.

The British government sent a warship to France to bring home stranded Britons. There was an embarrassing moment — when the ship pulled up to the port, the French immediately surrendered.

The volcano was spewing out so much ash that now, the Catholic Church is saying it couldn’t even see what it was doing wrong.

Jimmy Fallon
Travelers have been stranded in dozens of countries, but they’re finally allowing flights to take off to countries that no one likes.

Late Night Laughs – The Larry King Special

Craig Ferguson
More details are coming out about Larry King’s divorce. I’m friendly with Larry King and making fun of him would be wrong. So I’m going to do the right thing — and stop being friends with him.

Apparently, Larry’s estranged wife says he cheated on her with her sister. He probably just didn’t have on his glasses.

Larry has been married eight times. Liz Taylor was also married eight times. Both Taylor and King are single right now, and scientists are saying this is the first time that has happened in over 200 years.

Jimmy Fallon
Larry King and his wife are ending their marriage. In divorce papers, King requested joint custody of his two sons. But it won’t be easy because they’re pretty comfortable in their retirement home.

Jimmy Kimmel
Larry King has filed for divorce from his wife, Shawn. He may have thought he was filing taxes, I don’t know.

Late Night Laughs – Midweek Round Up

Jay Leno
Kids are so spoiled today. You know how they hunt for Easter eggs? They use Google Earth.

This was the holy weekend, so Apple’s Steve Jobs came down from the mountain with a new tablet under his arm.

The Pentagon says that al-Qaida is now in financial ruin. Goldman Sachs really screwed everyone over.

David Letterman
Allergies are so bad in New York right now, drug dealers are trying to change crystal meth back into Sudafed.

Jimmy Fallon
KFC is about to unveil a new sandwich called the “Double Down.” It’s two chicken breasts in place of bread and in between that is jack cheese and bacon. I forgot to mention one other thing it comes with — the knowledge that you’ve simply given up.

This Friday is the deadline for mailing in your Census form. People all around the country put down how many people live in their houses — while Tiger Woods and Jesse James put “kind of a tricky situation right now.”

Craig Ferguson
I don’t really follow college basketball, so when I heard that Duke beat Butler, I thought it must be a scandal at Buckingham Palace

Jimmy Kimmel
The iPad has only been out for a few days and it has revolutionized the publishing industry. You can download books, you can read them and store them, and for religious fundamentalists, there’s a new app that lets you burn them.

It was Beatles night on “American Idol.” Some of the worst performers of all time paid tribute to some of the best performers of all time.

Tomorrow is the day to mail in your tax returns, which means tonight is the night to start making fake receipts.

The Comedy Roast Of… Chris Tarrant, Bruce Forsyth and Sharon Osbourne

The comedy roast is a popular format from Comedy Central in America coming to the UK courtesy of Channel 4, where comedians and celebs get together to honour and take the rye out of a living legend. Thanks to Youtube, I’ve seen clips of the American roasts of Pamela Anderson and Bob Saget, plus I learn Denis Leary, Larry The Cable Guy, William Shatner, Joan Rivers and Flavor Flav have also been roasted.

I was lucky enough to secure an invite to the recording of the Comedy Roast of Chris Tarrant. You know your in for some verbal when the evening is hosted by the acid tongued wit of Jimmy Carr, and fellow comedians Sean Lock, Mark Watson, Jack Whitehall, Jack Dee and Paddy McGuiness set about Chris’s habit of hosting crap gameshows, TARRANT ON TV, his divorce settlement to wife Ingrid after being exposed in the tabloids having an affair, his arrest for ‘throwing cutlery’ in a restuarant, and his love of fishing.
Also attempting to stick the boot in was breakast radio host Jamie Theakston who had problem reading the autocue so Tarrant ‘showed him how easy it was’, Sally James who worked with Chris on TISWAS, and Mark Durden-Smith, a man mostly known for being the son of Gloria Hunniford and presenter on ITV2. Chris is a family friend of The Hunnifords/Durden-Smiths, and this explained why he was there.
The most topical line of the night came from Jack Dee (and will, most probably, be cut) when a joke didn’t get the laughs he had hoped for, he remarked “well that went down worse than Stirling Moss in a lift shaft” Sean Lock got the first dig in, commending Chris on his charity work, notably giving £12.5 million to a Norwegian single mother. McGuinness segment hosted a ‘Millionaire’ style quiz of obvious answers. Mark Watson delivered the best line of the night in saying ‘he can’t wait for the ‘slumdog version of Man O Man’.
All in all, the put downs were a bit repetitive, and at least the roasters went about cutting each other down to size as well.
Paddy McGuiness got done for his recent ‘TAKE ME OUT’ on ITV. Nearly all the guys STILL WOULD on Sally James…
Having watched the American roast of Pamela Anderson, the British version is far tamer, but I think that is to be expected. Then again, neither Tarrant, Osbourne or Forsyth have had sex tapes circulated on the internet and been a Playboy Bunny… YET.

The Comedy Roast of Pamela Anderson

Bea Arthur reads from Pamela Anderson novel…

More Late Night Gags

The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien
President Obama delivered a speech to America’s school children on the first day of school, and he encouraged them to work hard and study hard. Then he said, “if that doesn’t work, grab a seat next to the Asian kid.”

The Chilled out president

The Chilled out president

Late Show with David Letterman
President Obama spoke to all the school kids yesterday. Afterwards, he invited them all to the White House for a beer.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Whether you voted for Obama or not, his life is a shining example of the power of education — he was born in Kenya; he studied seven days a week learning how to forge Hawaiian birth certificates . . .

Obama has other speeches planned this week. The next is for Congress. Congress and school children are very different of course . . . one is an unruly bunch of maniacs who pick their noses and read at grade-school level . . . the other is school children

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Sadly, because of the current budget crisis, President Obama announced that kids’ allowances would be slashed by 50 percent this year.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
The president also told the kids that if they study hard, the United States will continue to prosper. Then he added, “But just to be safe, bone up on your Chinese.”

In the speech Obama asked kids to “stay home from school” when they don’t feel well. At that point the children gave Obama a 10-minute ovation.