George Bush Writes A Book!

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld shares a ...

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Former President George W. Bush has a memoir coming out soon. Between this and Justin Bieber’s book, this could be the biggest year ever for literature. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Former President Bush was on “Oprah.” It was Oprah’s annual “Least Favorite Things” episode. (Kimmel)

Former President George W. Bush was on “Oprah.” When asked about being the leader of the free world, Oprah said, “It’s not bad.” (Conan)

 

Former President George W. Bush is releasing a book called “Decision Points.” I’ve already made a decision not to buy it. (David Letterman)

Former President George W. Bush released a book. Unfortunately, because of his economic policies, no one can afford to buy it. (Letterman)

Former President George W. Bush reveals in his book that he considered dropping Dick Cheney to prove he was in charge. But then Cheney nixed the idea. (Fallon)

Wikileaks: The Late Night Cables..

Logo used by Wikileaks

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WikiLeaks has released thousands of classified documents that could be detrimental to the United States. Usually, when something this embarrassing about the United States is revealed, it’s because Joe Biden said it. (Leno)

WikiLeaks is a website that gets a hold of classified information and releases it to the public. They get all kinds of top secret stuff: White House memos, government e-mails, the truth about Lady Gaga . . . (Ferguson)

The name “WikiLeaks” doesn’t sound like espionage. It sounds like Barbara Walters interviewing Ricky Martin. (Ferguson)

It’s my 30th wedding anniversary. I had a big surprise set up for my wife, but she found out about it on WikiLeaks. (Leno)

Rep. Peter King says WikiLeaks presents a clear and present danger to our national security and should be branded a terrorist organization. Former Vice President Dick Cheney says we should waterboard the Internet. (Kimmel)

 

The Midterm Elections verses The Late Night Gags

Official Monster Raving Loony Party

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Fallon

  • The final poll before Election Day shows that 55 percent of Americans plan to vote for Republicans, while 40 percent plan to vote for Democrats. I guess Obama is finally going to get that change he was talking about.
  • President Obama sent out an e-mail encouraging his supporters to take at least three friends with them to vote. That’s not how people vote — that’s how women go to the bathroom.

Ferguson

  • I don’t know what Christine O’Donnell stands for, but I’m a late night talk-show host. I need her.
  • The tea party needs to pick a tougher name. “Tea party” sounds like something I do with my ferrets every Sunday.
  • Christine O’Donnell lost her election by 20 percent. In a brief concession speech, she said “I’m melting.”

Radiogagger (UK)

  • We don’t have a tea party here in the UK.  With Christine O’Donnell the witch and Sarah Palin amongst their members, the closest tie-up would be with the Monster raving Loony Party.
  • The Tea Party is a new political movement in  the States. Before, they only had the Biscuit and Burger All Day Breakfast Movement.

Leno

  • All year long, the Democrats were telling people to “get out and vote.” Then people told the Democrats, “We voted, now get out!”
  • Tuesday was bad for President Obama. Voters threw away the hope and just went for the change.
  • Obama lost 66 Democrats — and not one of them was Joe Biden.

Letterman

  • In Washington, D.C., volunteers were washing the mud off Democrats and releasing them back into the wild.
  • You can tell it’s winter. The Democrats have gone into hibernation.
  • Voters didn’t like how President Obama was handling the economy. Wait a minute — he was handling the economy?
  • Christine O’Donnell, after losing her election in Delaware, said “Our voices were heard.” In your head, lady.

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Quickfire Late Night Laughs – May 25th 2010

Jimmy Kimmel
For the first time ever, scientists have created artificial life. The hope is that it can revolutionize healthcare, generate clean energy, become super-intelligent, take over the world, make us all its slaves, etc.

Craig Ferguson
The new “Shrek” movie opens today. DreamWorks is saying that this will be the last “Shrek” movie — unless it makes money.

I think Mike Myers does a great Scottish accent, though he’s not from Scotland. He’s actually from a magical place called “Canada.”

Jimmy Fallon
Octomom Nadya Suleman has a PETA sign in her front yard that encourages people to have their pets spayed or neutered. Isn’t that kind of like BP putting out a sign that says “Don’t pee in the pool?”

David Letterman
It’s the fifth anniversary of YouTube. It completely revolutionized procrastination.

Jay Leno
BP is saying that the oil leak is bigger than they estimated. In a related story, the executives at BP are far bigger idiots than we estimated

Late Night Laughs – Earth Day

Jay Leno
Happy Earth Day, or as they say in Iceland, “What on Earth Day.”

To demonstrate their commitment, environmentalists all over the country today risked their lives driving Priuses.

A lot of people recycled plastic today, except in Beverly Hills, where recycling plastic means remarrying your ex-wife.

David Letterman
Sarah Palin celebrated Earth Day today by shooting wolves from a helicopter.

Craig Ferguson
Happy birthday to Jack Nicholson today, and also it’s Earth Day. Planet Earth and Jack Nicholson are different, of course — one is a giant object ravaged by years of abuse and we’re running out of time to save it, and the other one is Earth.

The movie “Avatar” is out on DVD today. James Cameron wanted it to be released on Earth Day because nothing says “save the planet” like millions of plastic DVD cases.

It’s the 40th Earth Day, which is bad news for Earth. Once you get in your 40s, your equator expands, your poles start to melt — soon you’ll look as bad as Uranus.

Jimmy Kimmel
Happy Earth Day to everyone. An estimated one billion people celebrate Earth Day. Al Gore, in particular, is wasted right now.

Late Night Laughs – Volcanic Ash Special

Craig Ferguson
The airports in Europe are closed due to the volcano erupting. Smoke and ash is spreading all over Europe. Meteorologists originally thought it was coming from Willie Nelson’s tour bus.

You can’t fly an airplane through an ash plume because the engines will be shut down faster than Mel Gibson at a bar mitzvah.

David Letterman
I’m aware that the only reason you people are here tonight is volcanic ash. I know that.

The big volcanic cloud from Iceland is making its way over to New York City. They say that the city’s air quality is actually improving.

Because of the volcano in Iceland, thousands of travelers are stranded with no place to sleep, eat, or shower. This is the kind of thing that can really take the fun out of air travel.

The name of the volcano is Eyjafjallajökull. It’s the scariest thing out of Iceland since Björk in that swan outfit.

The volcano cloud is gritty ash and it’s making its way toward Russia. In fact, Sarah Palin can see it from her house.

The bad news today: regular airline service is resuming.

Is anyone here stranded because of the volcano? Well, that’s what you get for traveling during volcano season.

Because of the volcano, the airlines lost $2 billion. Usually, all they lose is my luggage.

Jimmy Kimmel
A volcano in Iceland has shut down air travel all across Europe. Apparently they dumped too much baking soda and vinegar into the thing and it just won’t stop erupting.

President Obama had to cancel his trip to Poland, and this morning he said he hopes the volcano will stop smoking soon. And the volcano said the same thing about him.

Jay Leno
The giant cloud of ash over Amsterdam is so bad that you can’t even see the giant cloud of hashish.

For those of you visiting from Iceland, happy Ash Wednesday.

The British government sent a warship to France to bring home stranded Britons. There was an embarrassing moment — when the ship pulled up to the port, the French immediately surrendered.

The volcano was spewing out so much ash that now, the Catholic Church is saying it couldn’t even see what it was doing wrong.

Jimmy Fallon
Travelers have been stranded in dozens of countries, but they’re finally allowing flights to take off to countries that no one likes.

Late Night Laughs – The Larry King Special

Craig Ferguson
More details are coming out about Larry King’s divorce. I’m friendly with Larry King and making fun of him would be wrong. So I’m going to do the right thing — and stop being friends with him.

Apparently, Larry’s estranged wife says he cheated on her with her sister. He probably just didn’t have on his glasses.

Larry has been married eight times. Liz Taylor was also married eight times. Both Taylor and King are single right now, and scientists are saying this is the first time that has happened in over 200 years.

Jimmy Fallon
Larry King and his wife are ending their marriage. In divorce papers, King requested joint custody of his two sons. But it won’t be easy because they’re pretty comfortable in their retirement home.

Jimmy Kimmel
Larry King has filed for divorce from his wife, Shawn. He may have thought he was filing taxes, I don’t know.