More Late Night gags

The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien
In a new book, former President Bill Clinton said he had an affair with Monica Lewinsky because he “cracked under pressure.” When asked what he’s doing this weekend, Clinton replied, “Cracking under pressure.”

This week Chrysler announced it’s replacing its owner’s manuals with a DVD. In a related story, most Americans have replaced their Chrysler with a Toyota.

Starting today, gay couples can register as legal partners in the state of Nevada. So congratulations to the cast of Cirque de Soleil!

The Jay Leno Show
Yesterday at the U.N., Barack Obama told world leaders, “Don’t expect the U.S. to solve the world’s problems.” Whatever happened to “Yes, we can!”

Starbuck’s is going to start selling instant coffee. This is for people who want the quality of Sanka, but want to pay the high Starbuck’s price.

Late Show with David Letterman
It’s the 60th anniversary of China. We’re celebrating in the United States because they own all of our debt

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Sarah Palin’s new autobiography – that doesn’t come out until November — is already #1 on Amazon. And if you go to the Web site, it says, “People who bought this book also bought . . . no other books in their entire lives.”

I thought this was nice: Out of good sportsmanship, the foreword to Sarah’s book was written by a moose.

Ken Lewis, the CEO of Bank of America, will receive a 53 million dollar pension when he retires at the end of the year. But he can only get it out of an ATM — 20 dollars at a time.

Best Of The Late Night gags

The Jay Leno Show
Recently, they were interviewing Afghanistan farmers who grow poppy seeds. One farmer said that he knows heroin is bad and that it kills people, but if he didn’t grow poppy his family would starve. Hey, here’s an idea — you’re a farmer, try growing some food.

It’s the first day of autumn. In a statement, Sarah Palin said the dying leaves are because of Obama’s healthcare plan.

The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien
This Sunday, President Obama will appear on five different television shows. Even more amazing — in all five shows he plays “the wacky neighbor.”

Chrysler announced that it will no longer put owner’s manuals in their cars. Not only that, Chrysler has pretty much given up on putting owners in their cars.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
President Obama was on “David Letterman” last night. It was very awkward when Paul Shaffer stood up and shouted, “You lie!”

Late Show with David Letterman
Yesterday President Obama brought together Israeli and Palestinian leaders. Undeniably it was awkward. They stood there and stared at each other. And then finally, after an uncomfortable period of time, they shook hands. It was like my wedding night.

Snog Marry Avoid – The Musical

The Jenny Frost role will be played by one of the Sugagbabe cast-offs.
Pod will be played by Hattie Hayridge or Norman Lovett.
Jodie Marsh will be played by Cameron, the winner of Big Brother 4.

Fearne Cotton Meets Peaches Geldof

Like, did you see this programme, like? wowowowowowowow

Next week, Part Two – In An hour special,
Fearne meets Peaches Tattoo’s

Pics c/o Xposure

Fearne Cotton Meets Paris Hilton

What You want words as well?
I watched with the sound down.

Channel 4 Launch New Channel

Heard about new tv channel?
Not Channel 4 plus one hour, but Channel 4 plus one minute – for people with a very short attention span.
Channel 4 plus one minute – for people with a very short attention span.
The first programme on the channel (like Channel 4 itself in 1982) will be a special version of Countdown, with competitors exclusively recruited from the Jeremy Kyle show.

30 Seconds with Rachel Riley

Pic c/o ScreenHunter

Channel 4 plus one minute – for people with a very short attention span.

Fearne Cotton Meets… Fearne Cotton

Following on from meeting Paris Hilton and Peaches Geldof, In the next part of the series Fearne wastes another hour meeting a vacous blonde airhead… HERSELF…

“SO Fearne – It must be great being you… Your life is like, TOTALLY amazing”

“Thanks Fearne, yes it is”

Pic c/o News Of The World

Paris Hilton New Best Friend

on ITV2, sponsored by a bed company. Go figure.

How To Look Good Naked

The bad news is this show is not about Kelly Brook getting a role in London West End play ‘Calendar Girls’ in which she has to appear naked…

Kelly Brook.

Kelly replaces June Brown, aka Dot Cotton in Eastenders, in the popular London West End stageplay.
Almost a straight swap then…

Tonights TV: Seven Days On The Breadline

We haven’t seen the preview tape for this show, but apparently it’s NOT a documentary about Portsmouth players on £35,000 a week not getting paid recently during takeover task for the club…

Mel B: Struggling to afford clothes